Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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