He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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