Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
