Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He felt like a one man threesome
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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