Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Everclear isn't food dammit
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
