Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
