I just saw a hot homeless man
I just pynch a tree in the face
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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