Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize