Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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