Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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