I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
