We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
