Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He had one of those small greek statue penises
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
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