Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
