Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
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