Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
How does one acquire holy water?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
