we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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