she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
