my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
