She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
