Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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