you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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