I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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