they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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