I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
