There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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