fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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