She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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