Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
