Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
