I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
