well I can't set my house on fire every night
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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