True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
