I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
