You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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