He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
