I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
