worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
