last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
