You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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