My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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