I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Randomize
