I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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