a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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