i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize