escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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