Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
