At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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