Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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