she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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