sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
