Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i would one night stand the shit outta him
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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