God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just pee around me
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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