So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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