i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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