Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
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