i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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