I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
