Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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